File:1937 - 01 29 Clara Hinderer letter to Elsa.jpg

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source:Clara Hinderer collection

New Ulm, MN Jan 29 1937

Dear Elsa: Thanks for you letter received today. Thought I better start an answer today so you’ll get another letter soon.

I feel so sorry for Christian. You know he is a man of few words. He said in his letter I got yesterday “Being so near unable to go, makes it all the harder to hear.” He seems to me to be the forgotten brother. He writes little - therefore gets no letters. Bur if there were more like him in the family there would be more happiness. “We must through much tribulation enter the Kingdom of heaven.” Each has burdens to bear - one this kind and one that - but at Christian's house one finds contentment - whatever else may be said against him and even during the worst depression years one heard no complaints there. I often think of him as "Eine rechte Nathanaels-Seele in der kein Falsch ist" <ref>A right Nathanaels soul where no wrong is.</ref>

The flood<ref>Great Flood of 1937</ref><ref>The Great 1937 Flood of Louisville & Southern Indiana</ref> must be terrible. For hours they have radiode for missing persons this evening. Just think, to have all your possessions- your bedding, fancy watch , linens, books, everything you have - soaked by sewer contaminated water and ruined beyond cleaning and repair. Then it seems so foolish to clamor for a few articles of remembrance. The best remembrances are those we carry in our hearts and then we must not burden our hearts with memories that do not help us.

I too, just as you, nursed hurts and griefs. No one came to my rescue either when I was accused of having stolen things - regardless of the fact that whenever I visited I found the thing I had been accused of as having stolen and all knew I was accused but when I saw mother in her misery, in her desolation and social and spiritual starvation last summer, my heart ran over in pity for her. I forgot my hurts - because of we want to be just - by no stretch of the imagination can one say that mother deserved such an existence.

Whatever is behind me is forgotten. I shall only remember the good she did and of that there is plenty to remember if we are just. I was of course privileged to know her more intimately in her earlier years and she was then all a mother should be.

She made a hard, brave struggle. She bore ten children and when I think of the care she got at each childbirth and what I had, I hang my head in shame. Giving birth to 10 children with such help as she was able to get make up for all our hard physical work, even though in the past 20 years there have been many evenings when my feet and bones have ached so I could hardly get myself into bed.

I’ve seen mother at that point too. I’ve seen her dragged by an angry cow which she was trying to lead for a quarter of a mile. That was at Goodhue, at Pine Island I saw her gravelling in the dust in the grove one night, fighting with her Maker because the Poplar Grove people wouldn’t buy a house in town where she hoped to give her children at least a high school education.

I can cite instance after instance before she finally broke under the strain. Who are we to sit in judgment of her? Don't we make mistakes and our nerves are harrassed only by 1 or 2 children. She has met her God. I know He has forgiven her all her mistakes and errors in judgment as I hope he will forgive me.

Others can see our mistakes much better than we can see them ourselves. When Fred was born I was peeved. To me he was just another one for whose misdeeds I would be punished. Then when we was about 3 months old (you know I had to give him his daily baths) I snooped in mother’s things after bathing him. In her album I found this that she had written a few days after he was born.

“Winfred Edgar dem 15. April 1903. Mit der(?) 10(?) in diesem Jammertal. Noch ist dir verborgen was deiner wacht. In Not + Elend hat dich deine Mutter geboren, und kein Hoffnungsstrahl(?) dass der Fluch dieser(?) Aussicht(?) gehoben werden könnte. U. doch nicht so schlimm wie das Weh wenn du noch etwas zur Armut tragen sollst. Ich habe nebenmenschlich daran schon getragen; übermenschlich geduldet + gelitten um Euch geliebte Kinder Entbehrungen vom Haupte fern zu halten; gebe Endlich Gott, dass es gelingen möge, denn ich unterliege(?) bald. - Ach wie lange, ach wie lange schweigst Du, mein Gott."” <ref>Winfred Edgar dem 15. April 1903. With the 10(?) in this valley of sorrow. It's still hidden from you what watches over you. In poverty and hardship you were born by your mother and no glimpse of hope that this curse could be broken. And yet not as bad as the pain if you add something to this poverty. I bore this like a human; tolerated and suffered super-human to keep from you, loved children, destitution; Give God that it may work out since I succumb soon. Oh, how long, how long, do you keep silent, God?."</ref>

After that and a good cry concluded, for her sake, to love Fred. Who of us would have the nerve to have 10 children under the same conditions mother had them?

Everyone has a right to his or her own opinion and unless people show too much bias or prejudice I usually respect their opinions, but I also claim that as my sovereign right.

This holds true in controversies. We cannot force anyone to accept our views however well they may be based upon facts. When E.P. told, or rather took Julia’s part that time in South Shore against you and me he showed that he had chosen. I felt that if that was what he wanted, all well and good, that was his privilege. I went my way and he went his ever after.

He told you once after that, that he never could find out how he lost my confidence. Well that was it. However much these things hurt us we cannot change people’s opinions if they insist upon experiencing the truth for themselves.

In Julia’s case, they can see for themselves what they preferred. In mother’s case it was different. Can you tell me of any mother who does not shield her wayward child or black sheep? I’m sure if one of your girls would turn out to be a black sheep you would do the same. Naturally, if you love them no matter what they are, you will want others to think well of both.

I can see mother’s side of it, only wish I had seen it before. She never told people who knew Julia and inquired about her when they lived with me that she was divorced. But you are entitled to your opinion if it brings you satisfaction and happiness. I would never want to change it for you.

(When I think of how Julia successfully deceived them all the time, I can easily see why they believed her against you. They did the same with me.)

Am glad you got the hat. It isn’t a cheap one. Also told Marie to send you all of mother’s clothes. She asked if it was OK.and the woolen slip for your coed shash <ref>A band or ribbon worn about the waist as part of one's clothing or over the shoulder as a symbol of rank or status, or as part of academic dress.</ref>. I paid $1.98 for it. It should be good. Mother wore it only two days. Also told her to send you anything you wanted.

Naturally, she and Fred would look after these things since they are on the ground. Dad told me time and again last summer that everything left in the house was to be Fred’s. I’m sure if Marie hadn’t rescued the linens there wouldn’t be anything fit to use. I had some things put on the upper shelf.

Some mother gave Melva and the little green plates I asked for. But I feel this way about it if anyone else wants these things they can have them (however much I’d like to have them for the dirty work I did). I only have a few years left to live and can get along without them. Surely, I don’t consider them of so much importance that I’d have any more trouble with anyone over them.

I gave the folks $850 in cold cash. They did on ask me for it. Besides that I didn’t let them share the living expenses the year they were with me in spite of the fact that Dad got over $1000 during that time.

I tried to do the right thing. I tried to send them clothing from time to time. I wish I would have done more. If anyone who saw the conditions existing the last 3 years before I did and had been honest enough to tell me, I would have made some effort to change it. As it was, I was wholly unprepared for what greeted me on my arrival.

It would have been just as easy to borrow the money last year. I wish I could erase that scene from my mind. But if we are Christians we must learn to believe that “Denen die Gott lieben, muessen alle Dinge zurn besten dienen.”<ref>To those who love God, all things must serve the best.</ref> This seems to be a terribly hard lesson to learn. Perhaps I had to see this sight that my own heart might be softened. If it had to be softened at so awful a price, I hope that the Lord may keep it soft. I should hate to go through another such tragic experience.

Dad’s mind was completely off last summer. He would ask again and again “Kamst Du Mit Deinen Eltern von Deutschland”,<ref>Did you come with your parents from Germany</ref> etc.

(More rain in flood areas radio said and such heavy fog that boats cannot go out on rescue trips) He wouldn’t let Melva wash dishes, etc. I’m glad it has improved again. He is very nice to Marie now.

No, I certainly would not wish J into your house. You made the statement that you could show here more kindness than F and M could, hence my suggestion I hope the Lord may relieve her soon and give her a blessed end before she completely loses her mind.

There is nothing I can suggest. If she is insane she belongs in an asylum. What kind is Dr. Frommm? How much does she earn? M and F are fully aware of her condition, believe they are just trying to keep worry from the rest. They refuse to tell me. Even last summer they wouldn't open up.

Thought you were going to wait awhile before tackling Fred for money, until your girls go for an education. Wish you had because after 2 get mine. I could have helped you. Can’t do anything for you now.

I feel sorry for E.P. too. He is being taken through a hard school, but who of us isn’t? If we could have heaven on earth there would be nothing to strive for. Here we must show how serious and how strong our faith is and every time we are tried we usually don’t come through as Christians ought to and then we finally learn how utterly dependent we are upon the grace and mercy of Christ. We cannot boast of any strength. To really bear one another’s burdens means crucifying ourselves, our pride, our ideals and hard nut for me.

Am glad the first are going to take instructions. 4 months is not long. If the course is not followed by Bible study, I should certainly insist on two terms.

Thanks, Dorothy, for your typewritten letter. It is neatly done. Too bad you are not taking shorthand too. The two would help you to get part time work at a University if you go to one. Or to become self supporting early, or even to earn money with a view of further education.

(sidebar: You should have seen these things when I pulled them out of trunks. Hardly recognizable. Hair pins, clothespins, all manner of paper and pens, rags, and these things all mixed together.)

The smock I made for mother should fit you with just a little taking in under arms and waist. It’s a 38 neck and shoulder. Am going to pay for it and the slip tomorrow. Got so terribly behind last summer, but wanted mother to have the comfort of these things so bought them. Still owe $31.50 for last summer’s trip; $30 to Dr. for Ralph, $18 at the college and $20 at store.

"Die erbärmliche Schulden können einen in Boden runter drücken." <ref>The wretched debts can press one down in the ground.</ref>. I always vow when I get them paid I won’t make any more and every fall I do the same thing over.

Pay $31.50 for measly four rooms and heat. That makes such a hole in monthly check. House shortage is terrible. I was in cheaper place 3 years ago, but last winter and this winter I could never have made it. Too far out and too cold, especially when one is afflicted with Rheumatism. Just now I have it in all 10 toes and every step is extreme torture.<ref>Grandma use to show me how her toes were squashed and square from wearing shoes that were too small.</ref>

Marie said you tried the coat on but it looked better on Julia so you agreed too to let her have it. Can’t claim it since Dad paid for it. Hope it reminds her to be more like mother. Outward actions don’t count. At heart I doubt if she is much like mother.

Ralph and Melva thought you resemble Julia more. I too thought so when we met you on the street. Afterwards I lost it again. You can be featured. Melva thinks Julia is good looking and nice acting. Said she really like her. Good she didn’t see much of her.

Believe mother gave most of her things away before operation in ‘26. And the rest when the trunks came.Everywhere I went they had some thing.

Melinda I think begged a plenty off her too. It would have been cheaper for me if I had kept my money (paid $48 freight) and let trunk rot in Hutch.

They were living so aermlich [poorly] though in 1931. I thought they should either go to their things or have their things sent to them. I know if I had hung onto all my money from 25 to 50 % would have been east in banks so I’m glad I gave them what I did. There is some satisfaction in knowing that they derived some comfort of it and that mother’s funeral expenses are paid with money I gave them.

(side bar: Melinda has that big brown “Teigschüssel” [mixing bowl] What made mother give her that. Didn’t she figure on baking after she left Waterville!)

Hope I haven’t given you the impression that I’m taking anyone’s part. I’m not. But I do want you to get that crazy feeling out of your bones. If you hang onto it (as mother used to hang onto hurts) you can never be truly happy and will not be able to rise above yourself.

That is the thing I want so badly to do, to rise above all disagreeable things of the past and remove the shackles of bad memories. I feel that only by forgetting whatever has been disagreeable can we keep out vision clear for the big things of the future.

Our children, too, are fast reaching the age where they can make their own observations and judge for themselves if we are wanting in the big things of life. If we are misleading them by unjust and uncharitable criticism of others. Or if we are really furnishing them with an attitude that goes for making real “personalities” of our kids.

Now, please don’t put me down as trying to be learned. I’m not. How I wish I were and could play with words as some of our H.S. teachers can. But I have a thing they don’t possess and which I wouldn’t trade and that is my faith in God, even if it is only like a mustard seed.

Ralph went to Sleepy Eye tonight to play basketball. It is Sunday. Had to stop writing Friday night.

Still cold here. Will send you the scarfs. Washed them again. They look pretty fair now. That gives you 3 dishes - 3 scarfs - 3 dresses, slip and hat. The latter are new, as a remembrances. As Mother says “Mehr kann ich jetzt nicht tun(?).” <ref>"I can not do more now (?)"</ref>

(right sidebar: If I go west again I’ll see if I can squeeze more out any ???)

(left sidebar: Still have 2 sheets and 2 pillowcases of my aussteuer. Let me know if you got scarfs. Clara)

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transcribed/translated by Patrick Georgi Notes:"A true soul of the kind of Nathanael in which is no wrong" (this is a citation I have only found online. Don't know it otherwise: Google Book